Well … I didn’t manage to sleep. And I didn’t read a book. I went to check some blogs. Google some websites. Only to discover how far removed I am from a “former life” or a “former world” which I’m still connected with loosely but not so directly involved.
In many ways, I’m happy to be not “well known” or in a “high profile” ministry in Malaysia. I’m genuinely surprised how “unsuccessful” I am in a way (and we can go on and on what defines “true success” … My Good friend’s sermon illustration on himself reminded me of how we often question ourselves in the name of “appraising” our worth… but according to who’s values?
Reading in between the lines of the words of another, has given me a little peek into the “struggle” within every leader or pastor once again. The pain that’s unspoken, the frustration which is hard for others to understand, facing self-righteous people who have their spiritual formulas more figured out than most of us mortals, the list goes on.
and yet, having listened to so many on the other end in the “pew”, it’s becoming increasingly challenging to learn how to exist in some sort of “in between” mode in order to facilitate genuine discipleship rather than just slip into some form of unhelpful pampering.
Back to the pop stuff, it’s interesting to have a look at a mega-church pastors blog! My first reaction was “Wow! even he has a blog!”
thought about the term Brian McLaren uses “Radio Orthodoxy” and how people somehow give more legitimacy to people who convey their ideas on the radio or some form of mass media. Perhaps in Malaysia it’s “best-seller” orthodoxy? Lord have mercy.
What has happened to the once upon of time drivenness ambition in me? I can’t be aging that fast right in spite of the white hairs? I am still 34 … not 43! But then again, it doesn’t really bother me that much. My wife thinks I’m a little crazy up there but she knows my heart – and I’m sincerely attempting in small steps to live what I believe is the way forward .. in life, faith, work and ministry. even if it’s a minority position.
I admit it does feel strange at times when I see things in our Malaysian Christian context which looks the same like what I saw when i was a “zealot” Christian as a teenage. It’s more polished, better marketed, and even uses more sophisticated technology or language. But it’s still essentially the presentation of a truncated gospel which produces more “consumer” mindset Christianity than what I’m reading in the gospels and even a cursory glance through church history.
It was nice to listen to a podcast when it was raining. And the unplanned conversation between husband and wife helped bring to surface some stuff I’ve been thinking about for a long while.
How does one “celebrate” the ordinary and small things this Christmas? How can I not just “complain” and “criticize”? How can we keep or purge “poison” in our system which will ultimately send us to the grave faster? or make us walking zombies?
There’s so much hurt, pain, brokenness, sickness, weakness … in the church, in the world, in ourselves.
time to pause, let God break into our “hardened” hearts … what other option do we want to take?
“suffering” or our capacity to “suffer” or our self-induced “suffering” … or is it just “stress” and our inability to face our discomfort – we do live in a world that keeps telling us being uncomfortable is WRONG! or If you suffer, something must be WRONG with you… but this must not stop us from being able to say YES to what’s beyond suffering! or our capacity to look beyond discomfort …
I think I’m rambling a little, and I haven’t drunk any wine or beer … just soft drinks.
Perhaps I have a streak of insanity which I call “creativity” 🙂
But often, I feel drawn back to the “center” – and “centering” does wonders for me. Especially, when Christ is at the center .. speaking, leading, listening, defragmenting, reintegrating, doing a whole lot of stuff … even in my sleep.
I think I’ll go for another little drink of soda with some ice … and perhaps get a book and then sleep.
The year is quickly coming to an end. And last Saturday, or since I came back from Germany I’ve already begun slipping into a mode of slowly wrapping up my thoughts for the year.
The quietness tonight is therapeutic!
Enjoyed the rambling.
Is it a early morning rumination or just prolonged jetlag? Just being back from Holland and Italy myself, I am also having these ‘chim’ thoughts at 4am in the morning (Malaysian time) 🙂
No, I do not think you are ‘crazy’ up there but who am I to argue with your wife. I think you are saner than most of us, or at least more honest.
The call to discipleship is a quiet and lonely road. Jer.6:16a. It is counter-cultural and Christ, not man-centered. It is a journey into the silence of God.
Hence it is so difficult to live a true life of discipleship in a church that is more worldy than the world and to feel the pain of a congregation that has been fed on junk food rather than solid meals. We are living in a disconnected, fragmented world and church.
my brother, I share in your discomfort and your pain. That is why Rembrandt’s “Jeremiah Lamenting the Destruction of Jerusalem” is so meaningful to me.
blogpastor, I think the “ramblings” often come from the “rumblings” in the stomach! 🙂 Thanks for letting me know you’re reading (and enjoying yourself!)
Alex, great to have you back. When I was in Amsterdam Airport as well as on the KLM plane back I was intrigued by a young Rembrandt’s picture on the sugar packets for coffee/tea. It surely doesn’t fully represent the greatness of the artist. How often, we have “place” Christ in the same way. Lord have mercy.
The temptation often is to merely look at others who fail to live up to Christ’s call .. and especially the church and point fingers, hurl complaints, and/or merely stay away … but if we are (at least) in some way part of the church .. how do we TRULY stay away or be detached? I guess, the inability to be detached is a voice re-telling us how deeply we are still connected (whether we like it or not). Somehow, individualism in it’s extreme, or anti-institutionalism in it’s naivety never going to really meet the hunger of not just belonging to a community … but at a deeper level … belonging to CHRIST in community 🙂 which will result towards reflecting his image as a group we call the people of God..
I’d love to continue the conversations from a post-Germany perspective with your post-Holland and Italy musings. Since it was so close by in terms of time!
Is it possible that the problem amy be that some of us think too much? Hmmm.. must think about that some more. 🙂