Sivin Kit's Garden

Random Thoughts After Wake No.4

I listened carefully and with much openness when the husband shared his heart about his dear wife who lay peacefully in the coffin. She had been a strong lady, faithful in all her ways ... right to the final days.

It was hard for me to contain myself (but I tried) - what does it mean for a man to say goodbye to his best friend and wife for 38 years? what goes on in the mind when the flood of memories come?

sure, we are told we will meet again. But right now, in this moment ... there is a "pause" - a "silence". When I heard how he wished that they could have another more 38years together ... it just broke me. There was nothing packaged in the sharing. God was there listening to his pain. Jesus was there - this was not easy, not easy at all.

There were many people tonight, She had blessed many lives. She was the best shepherd some have experienced. But for that one moment, all that faded for a while .. because what I was hearing was a man who lost his best friend - faithful companion all these years, one who even helped him along the way when he was merely "comfortable" as a Christian to be a "comforting Christian".

Many songs were sung. Prayers were offered. Hugs given. Words of comfort. And gestures of support. But as I drove back home, the picture of a man who loved his wife so much saying "goodbye" with heartfelt honesty of missing her sticks with me till now. I can't explain how and why it does. I'm grateful there was a moment for him to express himself - and somehow, I know the gentle Spirit was there somehow moving in him, amongst the family and with us.

The vulnerability was no sign of weakness - no ... not at all. It was a sign of strength when one can acknowledge a deep sadness - a genuine sadness of losing one he loved and was loved in return. It's when we come to this place - and we honor these moments of vulnerability ... God's grace breaks through our hearts which may have been numbed by 101 factors. Oh how we need God's grace ...

There's no need to hurry to be "okay" ... there's no need to "be strong" by our own efforts - it's in our weakest moment .. suddenly we realize God's hand holding us ...

I guess, all of us have our own ways of grieving. Very Often we don't know how. We wonder how should we behave? We maybe told what to feel or how we should feel? But it seems to me ... in moments like these ... God meets us where ever we are ... and it's REALLY "okay".

One moment stuck with me tonight. A man's appreciation of his beloved wife who is now "with the Lord" - the raw feelings and tears he couldn't contain. The unrehearsed words which captured the special bond they have together.

This is the fourth memorial service I've attended lately. Each night when I drive home, surely one moment or two .. sticks with me and it becomes God's ingredients transformed into food for my soul. Tonight, this was THE moment for me. God was there, God is here ...

Random Thoughts on Thursday night

Tomorrow will be memorial no. 4 this past month. That one visit, the conversations with had, the song we sang and the time of prayer is forever ingrained in my memory.

How can I process all the sequence of events which I have walked through? There are times when the questions are in the "macro" - "big picture" category? Often, I need to wrestle with the more "micro" - "less essential" ones too ...

I will spend some time journaling tonight ... I will use these questions to help me ...

I no longer feel the need to be in control over some issues coming up soon. Ironically, it's freeing. The only question is whether I can handle it. Then again, we will manage when that day comes. Tonight, I live in the "now".

Here's a fact I'm accepting not because I don't believe we can change it or it's ideal, I'm accepting it because that's the way it is. There are some relationships which have fossilized or require some level of distance. There's no need for hostility. A tinge of caution is warranted. Being open and gracious doesn't mean stripping ourselves of dignity and subject ourselves to abuse and bullying.

Facing "death" again makes all our frustrations reduce in its importance - we tend to magnify our unhappiness, dissatisfactions and complaints. We sleep, wake up, eat, go to the toilet, plunge ourselves at work, bear with office politics, juggle home affairs, etc ... most of the time we accept these as routines, and sometimes unconsciously it becomes "everything" to us ... and then things don't go our way, we "magnify" the stuff which upsets us, or spin a rationalized dance of ideas and opinions which after some silence, centering or a good knock with the reality of life, death, love, pain, suffering, humility, joy, grace, peace, humor, holiness, - the stuff which REALLY makes us human ... we then learn again how to be one.

Is it true when we find ourselves less able to practice one kind of spirituality or approach in life, we tend to "put down" that aspect? So, we don't see ourselves as intellectuals, and that means deeper thinking is less appreciated and we glorify our "shallow" - simplistic ways ... add some proof texts to justify our case?

Or if we don't see our selves as activist, then we tend to accuse those who are trying to do something as "busywork" unreflective doers who don't understand the complex issues at hand?

Polarization seems to be what's getting attention these days. Either/or thinking reigns? truncated views which leads to disjointed solutions? It's interesting how my own journey for radiant thinking was unconsciously introduced through Mind Mapping.

Last night we explored the six thinking hats for one of the LiFe Groups. I did it individually before the session. Then we did two on two different subjects - traffic and spiritual growth in community. I found it helpful for lateral thinking.

I'm having a look again on the six action shoes because we need to "walk the talk" or "put legs on our ideas"!

Not a Chance Event

"The cross of Christ was not an inexplicable or chance event, which happened to strike him, like illness or accident. To accept the cross as his destiny, to move toward it and even to provoke it, when he could well have done otherwise, was Jesus’ constantly reiterated free choice; and he warns his disciples lest their embarking on the same path be less conscious of its costs." - John Howard Yoder, the Politics of Jesus (via inward/outward)

Good Friday may have passed quietly last week... the impact of its message continues during these bright resurrection days. I think when we Christ-followers revolve around and round our preferences which are secondary forgetting the main emphasis of obedience, risk, sacrifice and love demonstrated by the cross ... we are spinning in "religion" which doesn't nourish but actually drains life. Do we REALLY want the REAL thing?

Random Thoughts after Wan Tan Mee

There are time when a good plate of Wan Tan Mee with Char Siew is heavenly ... I just had one of those times a while ago ... this 50days Easter season is kicking of with a glorious start in the food department.

Managed to join two LiFe Groups in a row in a way ... one in their official meeting the other in their "Yam char" session. Both were good ... the evening ended on a "great" note.

Once a while, I'm delightfully surprised when someone asks me a question I wish more people would ask ... then I feel some "pause" and "care" needs to go in to the answer or recommendation because what was asked was not trivial but life-shaping ... even life changing when we embark on the path set before us.

Funny I was wondering whether anyone one was spying on me tonight ... it's a strange feeling.

I saw two men walk past us ... while we were engaged in some discussion on TULIP and I was trying to use simple language to explain "total depravity" while also throwing in my take on "the bondage of the will" ....

I giggled while talking about how animals might be in "heaven" and then probing deeper into what does it mean to be alive ... the difference between the immortality of the soul and immortality related to the resurrected body. I get excited when we can chat about these matters in a coffee shop :-P

It's the "what does it mean to follow Jesus today for me in terms of the next step" kind of question that really energizes me ... this line of questioning beats any form of speculative exercise we are all tempted to indulge in once in a while.

I was happy that one of our church members though a relatively new Christian did an excellent job facilitating the first LiFe Group meeting I attended tonight. It made the 2 hours so worth our time. While it's not without any hiccup or areas we can all work on .. it was good. For that I'm sleeping better than last night on this matter.

I also came home with more hope and joy in what is possible for the sinners gang LiFE Group ... there is a path where I think we can all nudge each other to walk along. Some might trail behind but walk towards the same destination as long as we can keep each other honest and humble in the process. But honesty and humility takes us to a place where we can "obey". And this obedience is no longer bound by our past baggage, present angst or hang ups or future uncertainties or fears. All those who desire "transformation" would need cheer each other on.

It's always wonderful when we can speak freely, be corrected, realign our thoughts, and allow our values to be affirmed or challenged in a context where it's not only "safe" but it's also "desiring and deciding" towards a pathway beyond ourselves. The word communitas has been dwelling in my mind the last two days ... of course, what I'm thinking is more than what the wikipedia talks about. More here

I think it's time to sleep ... I think I will sleep better than last night.

Random Links 144

Ten propositions on being a theologian
Let me pick one for meditation: "1. Actually, there is no such thing as a theologian, anymore than there is such a thing as a Christian. Theologians are not solitary creatures. Theology is the outcome of good conversation, the conversation of friends. Though – the rabies theologorum – you could be forgiven for thinking the opposite! Which is why, in the interest of world peace, it is probably wise that theological conferences are held infrequently. Theologians are like horse manure: all in one place and they stink to high heaven; they are best spread around."

Young Teens and Exploration
I hung out with some teens today. A lot of teens .. thanks to Keat Lim and Dropzone.

Reaching 21st Century Teenagers with The Gospel Part 1, Part 2
Marko gifts us with more insights.

Ten propositions on political theology
Let me pick one .. "3. In my view it is legitimate to speak of an "epistemological privilege" of the excluded and oppressed. Bonhoeffer, writing in prison, was avant la lettre of liberation theology: "We have for once learnt to see the great events of world history from below, from the perspective of the outcast, the suspects, the maltreated, the powerless, the oppressed, the reviled – in short, from the perspective of those who suffer." Here is the "more rewarding principle for exploring the world in thought and action than personal good fortune."

Why real conversation matters
So much common sense wisdom here ... <>" as lovely as the internet is for helping us have conversations, the conversations that really matter are the ones that are face to face (or mouth to ear, in this case, the next best thing). No amount of virtual back and forth can substitute for the genuine progress that can be made in two hours of storytelling. "

Lenten Leavings-- Things That Should Now be Left Behind
it's not just chocolate ...

100 Months…Next-Wave
wow .. that's how long I've been following this e-zine. Great job the folks who produce it!

Random Thoughts Overload

Here's a comment I left on another blog ...

"There's a need to distinguish "intellectual masturbation" which lands up with no real life emerging to "genuine faith engaging with understanding" which gives birth to a healthier faith (mindless ranting about the church reflects more about our hang ups rather than real intellectual engagement at its best). While being "far too embroiled in the "fluff" of the philosophy than to embrace the more important aspect of practising it" is a good warning. Anti-intellectuallism is not the way to go ... We do not have a non-thinking faith.

What we need to move forward is a holistic faith where our head (thinking) our hearts (feeling/experience) and our hands (practical doing) is in a dance which invites people along to experience the Good News we offer.

you say .. "Tap your source. Go touch someone's life." Amen to that. Now the question is what source?

This is where we need to grow in all aspects (I am not refering to the stomach). for those who are tempted to hide behind their so called "complaints" because of overdose dependence on their own thinking, we need to get our hands dirty with "doing". For those who glorify "whatever works must be right", we need to learn to pause and listen to the "inner source" the Holy Spirit, guided by a healthy understanding of the Scriptures and checked by wise counsel from those who have gone before us. All in all ... humility is a must.

Having said the above ... here's some stuff I liked about your most. The monkey god thing was fun but let me settle for the following and say spend time developing these areas during Easter:

"Who we are is just His instrument for making it happen; to bear and deliver His message." - I'll add the God who "believes in us" is also the one who will change us to become more than what we are now.

"Tap your source. Go touch someone's life." - Here's the sources: Get back into a guided understanding of the Bible -especially the New testament for newbies, then work back to the Old testament. Read good recommended books not for "intellectual masturbation" but for spiritual transformation (there's a big difference) - after Rick Warren's book .. go for Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. Learn from past experience in the light of the new lens you now have .. by the way, a good start would be Ken gire's Window of the soul. Watch out for "skybalon" rubbish Christian material (for reference: email me .. heheh)

Good to see you blogging again."

In response to "Should Christians Emigrate?" in our Malaysian context ... I dropped in my 2 cents (you'd have to guess the context and conversations hidden from my reply) :-)

"Thanks Paul for sharing a concrete story and process - appreciate you once again for keeping the discussion anchored to on the ground personal realities. Now you can guess why I threw in the discernment process thing in my earlier reply. One area of concern I have is often in a good discussion like this "whether a Christian should emigrate" is that the temptation to justify either positions quickly doesn't allow us to plunge deeper underneath the question of the various issues alluded in Paul's post.

e.g. Calling, vocation, a discernment process, family, lifestage, etc.

For those who are quick to go ... it's easy just to cry judgment on the "crappiness" of Malaysian life.

For those who are staying, it's easy to appeal to our patriotic pride if we are not careful.

Of course, when all is said and done, We will need to be "responsible" with our choices and live with the consequences of our decisions.

For me,the "should" word often paralyzes us from seeing what we need to see in ourselves. - it also paralyzes what we need to honestly asses in our current context. So, if I don't emigrate, how am I working towards making my country a better place to live? (mentioned in Irene's reply) small ways as well as bigger ways? If I do, how am I living in the new context I live in, what is the relationship between my new context and my historic heritage past?

Paul mentioned something I'm intrigued with and appreciate the honestly:

" I suppose a key concept here is that I am more free to learn to be a missional Christian which is so liberating.

There's a whole lot of other things that is confirming to me that I am in the right place, at least for this stage in my life and calling. "

Once we decided to be a missional Christian, perhaps we start asking questions whihc will move us forward."

Now for more spice I played consultant ... over the mobile phone .. this is not going to sound softy pastoral but i think it's authentic pastoral stuff (which is now applied to a "secular" setting) How come I can't do it often in a church setting? usually they say because people are not paid to do work in church or they are paid peanuts ... hmmm that's another story ..

"Who does this person think he is? Is he working for you or you working for him? He sounds cold and detached in his words ... beware of replying without due thought ..

if he took so much time explaining himself, why couldn't he just pick up the phone and do all the needed follow up rather than pushing back the responsibility to you . How much is he paid? how old is he?

Oh .. now I understand. Maybe I should pay the lower ranked non-professional to do the job rather than waste money on an extra staff ...

There's so much "professional" pomp in his words ... sounds right at the surface reading .. then unconsciously he leaks his "pride". Who does he think he is? Paid a bomb and produces a miao (worse with a lousy attitude)

Sit him down and talk face to face. Bring in a third party. walk through the assignments one by one. Minute the discussion (since he cant handle being entrusted with the tasks). If necessary, since he can't be treated like an adult looks like he has to come back to you with a fixed time of follow up."

(now I'm wondering why these people are paid three or four times what I'm getting but displays attitudes and values in work which ... are "__________" I shall leave the last word for imagination. Maybe someone should pay me part-time for mere consultancy ... pastors do specialize in sinners by the way, of course, they specialize in the chief sinner - the pastor himself or herself (to be gender inclusive!).

there's so much glorification of the corporate world that I think it has not only lost its soul .. (which is not surprising) but even basic work ethics - which includes respect and responsibility. We walk around with our sanitized suits and ties and office fashion portraying an image with no substance.

ok ... back to the church world ... we have a load of that too in our midst. so no finger pointing here. .. we all live in a load of "skybalon".

Looking for some humility here ... and there .. and everywhere ... outside and inside ...

Random (Easter) Links 143

Face to faith (HT: Si Johnston)
Bishop Tom Wright always has a way to grab your attention ... "When Easter stops being a surprise, it stops being Easter. ... "

The Season of Easter
This will raise some eyebrows and provide food for thought in terms of "contextualization" ..."Easter is an English word derives from the name of a Germanic goddess, and you won’t get any argument from me if you think the word should be deprecated because of its association with pagan fertility rites." (please read the whole link before jumping into conclusions)

Tips & ideas: Easter: 50 Days & Sundays, too
My take away insight: "A wonderful part of the richness of Easter to enjoy with children is light and candles. From the first fire, lit before the beginning of the Easter vigil, to the Paschal candle, the altar candles, and our baptismal candles, light is a sign and symbol that can be enjoyed and noticed to lay the groundwork for later intellectual understanding."

Journaling as a Spiritual Practice for Easter
Fantastic!

A Thought a day for the 50days of Easter
Hallelujah! :-)

Random Thoughts after Easter Sunday

I'm glad I survived my "translation" assignment for my Bishop during the special thanksgiving church dedication and anniversary celebration at Sunway Lutheran congregation. Sometimes I felt my mind went blank or at least I wasn't as sharp as I should me. The vocabs were getting jumbled up, I landed up doing some level of paraphrasing rather than dynamic equivalent work. I admit, my physical body was a little tired. And that affects everything.

I REALLY enjoyed the above mentioned service tonight. Especially, three items. (1) The "short TV magazine" type movie they presented - taking us to all the 5 venues the church has worshiped the last 15 years. (2) a more artistic creative pantomime-like presentation describing their move to the new premises including elements of comedy and tragedy which I thought was great. (3) interestingly I appreciated the financial report on how the church managed to raise the current funds for this building project and an honest sharing on the need to repay back their loans.

The buffet was good. I enjoyed numerous conversations especially catching up with some of the pastors, and also ended up talking with the people who did (1) and (2) mentioned above. I think they were encouraged when I picked out specific parts of their presentation and pointed out to them why I liked it. Maybe this is where being a son of an artistic father who's still involved in the entertainment industry has rubbed off a little on me. Not much. just a little :-)

At times, being able to notice some things doesn't have to be painful ... it can be joyful.

All in all I was inspired by this church of around 100 people who have been faithful all these 15 years and it's great to be part of their celebration tonight. They are more from the Chinese speaking background. So there were some stuff which I could appreciate though I'm not fully at home with. But it was great. I noticed how we Chinese aren't really that stiff .. there were some good dances tonight. I couldn't help keep on smiling when the "pink" Aunties did their "praise aerobics" routine. It's more taichi-like than breakdance-like but I thought it was pretty contextual :-)

I've always been encouraged by Rev. Lim's ministry. I recall when BLC started her church was one of the first who supported with a financial gift. She's also been a great source of input in the examination committee I'm heading for the denomination. A wonderful partner in ministry.

Ok I think the above wasn't that random ... here are more random thoughts ...

it's not easy to teach someone to say "sorry". I noticed where one can do it easier, another struggles more.

What a joy to play a part in helping 8 adults in a process where they are initiated into the "reign of God." It's merely the beginning, but still worth celebrating. One family missed today due to children who fell ill but they are on when they are ready :-)

The air-con wasn't tip top today for our church ... there were many guests to witness the baptisms which was encouraging ... I think we had about 103 adults today with 21 kids. The 6 air-cons were working a little too hard. Time for servicing.

Got an SMS a while ago .... another hospital episode which needs prayer.

Reading the blog posts on Good Friday did me some good. In short, it's nice to see people benefit from the stuff I'm involved in. So, often we only hear what people don't like or find missing (which I think will always be there). But just to hear how some are blessed is good enough for tonight. I treasure feedback like this.

Got an SMS earlier tonight with words of encouragement for the Easter service this morning. God you are so gracious to me.

Good to see some people today who have been missing for "ages" :-)

Discovered a blog ... should we let people know when we discovered them?

hahahah ... a principal from a conservative seminary shook my hand in the afternoon and then told me indirectly he's come across my blog. Now, during the Christmas season last year a Bible college principal told me the same thing. How many seminary educators read my blog? would that change the way I blog?

Man ... I can't forget the roast pork I had for dinner. Awesome. Lent is over. Chips tomorrow ...

I'm going to get some Ribena now even though it doesn't have much vitamin C for me ... it's a nice drink. Or maybe I should switch to Shandy - lemonade beer? hmmm ....

I need to learn to get REALLY happy for a change after learning to enter into pain and struggles (which has been a hard lesson to learn). I confess I can't be a "rah! rah!" Christian ... but I can celebrate. Joy is good ... (almost typed food where I corrected it to good ...) anyway, off to the fridge now.

Good Friday Revisited

My heart was warmed tonight as I read a reflection from a new friend who came to our Good Friday service. These are his thoughts in Bahasa Malaysia from Upacara Tenebrae di BLC. For me, Good Friday has now become an important date for me to seriously be in an environment where I can re-look at myself in the light of the cross and re-look at Christ on the cross and what all that means for the world ... thus opening an invitation for a fresh response to his still small voice. I find his voice even in the midst of darkness, shadows, betrayal and ultimately death more life-giving than the prepackaged pumped up Christianity which may have brought me to a certain stage (and cannot me denied or ignored) but right now ... even the sound of his breath is more precious than what is offered in the "Pop Christian Market" today. So, when everything is stripped down to the bare minimum on Good Friday, it helps me enter that reality ... Anway, here's Daud's reflection.

_____________________________________

"Pada hari Jumaat Agung, saya dan beberapa rakan saya menghadiri upacara Jummat Agung di Gereja Lutheran Bangsar. Pada malam itu, buat kali pertama saya menghadiri upacara Tenebrae yang bermaksud bayangan dalam Latin. Upacara ini diadakan dalam suasana lampu-lampu dimalapkan supaya jemaat dapat memfokuskan kepada 5 lilin yang dinyalakan. Ini untuk menunjukkan suasana hiba dalam memperingati saat-saat Yesus semasa baginda dikhianati, sengsara, kesunyian, penderitaan sebelum kematianNya. Petikan dari Injil Yahya dibaca (Bab 18 - 19) dan diikuti dengan nyanyian ringkas serta renungan supaya para jemaat dapat membuat refleksi dari bacaan itu.

Inilah kali pertama saya menghadiri upacara tersebut dan saya ingin mahu menghadirinya tahun yang akan datang. Semasa melihat lilin itu terpadam satu persatu, dapat dibayangkan keadaan sewaktu Yesus mengharungi sebelum kematiannya. Lebih-lebih lagi bila lagu hymn yang berjudul "Were You there when they crucify the Lord... it caused me to tremble". Saya mungkin tidak faham sepenuhnya mahupun dari segi minda mahupun secara emosi penderitaan dan kesengsaraan Yesus. Tetapi suasana yang hiba pada malam itu membuat saya terharu dengan kasih Yesus demi membebaskan umat manusia dari cengkaman dosa. Memang benar Yesus mati disalibkan. Inilah berita yang harus saya beritahu pada semua orang. Walaupun telah banyak kali saya mendengar cerita ini, namun ia tidak pudar ditelan zaman tapi ia membangkitkan and menyentuh hati saya mengenangkan kesengsaraan dan penderitaan Yesus Kristus.

Pendeta Sivin Kit juga menunjukkan satu portrait yang dihadiahkan oleh kawannya. Pemberian hadian ini amat melucukan. Kononnya portrait ini diberikan kepada Pendeta Sivin selepas kawannya dinasihati oleh pakar Feng Shui untuk tidak menyimpankan portrait dalam pejabatnya. Portrait ini ialah Yesus dikhianati oleh Yudas. Hati saya tersentuh bila pendeta Sivin mengulas dari pemerhatiannya dalam portrait itu. Pendeta menanya sama ada kita mengkhianati Yesus bukan literal tetapi mungkin dari aspek lain. Ia membuat saya merenungi adakah percakapan, perbuatan, permikiran dan sebagainya ialah tindakan mengkhianati Yesus.

Saya ingin berterima kasih kepada Eng Jee, Bob, Kia Meng dan Alvin yang sudi makan malam bersama saya sebelum mneghadiri upacara Jumaat Agung dan supper di OUG."

________________________________________

Here's another one Tenebrae which gives more in English :-) I'm grateful that friends like this are willing to blog about their experience and thus I can be blessed by their reflections. One thing I didn't manage to do was take some pictures (somehow my camera failed me, maybe batteries are weak or it's the lense problem again). So, minus the pictures ... Read on ...
_________________________________________

"My first Lutheran Tenebrae service ever and I liked it. I've grown to appreciate all forms of Christian outward expressions of worship and I'll head to the Syrian Orthodox one day just to experience the richness of our heritage.

For my wife, she's quite used to such settings having grown up through the 12 Stations of the Cross as a Catholic.

Thanks to Ps. Sivin Kit, Bob, Alvin and Kia Meng for allowing me to participate as a guest.

I was very moved within my spirit towards the end as the candles were snuffed out one at a time as we inched slowly through the passion narrative. Trust the power of the imagination and a very powerful narrative to "speak" into one's heart and soul. Despite the familiarity of the passage, there was a certain freshness which I cannot objectively describe.

I'm learning to be appreciative of high-church liturgy which are more on the contemplative side. That's not to say I'm not accustomed to liturgy; even charismatic churches have their "liturgy" - opening prayer, "praise and worship", Lord's Supper / Holy Communion / Eucharist, announcements, sermon, benediction... or something like that.

I was again surprised to meet an old college mate, Jaime at BLC. Glad to touch base again face to face after so long.

The post-Tenebrae fellowship at OUG was very rejuvenating. Where else in which circle can one share openly without getting trashed? A safe spot to talk, discuss and disagree civilly. Thanks Steve, Bob, Alvin, Choo Ki, Sivin, Kia Meng and Daud for accepting me and for entertaining the views I bring to the table. However, I still remain steadfast in my understanding of the Great Feast and what it symbolizes as well as the issue of the nature of Christ and the Trinity. Thanks for allowing me this journey of deconstruction... :D"

_________________________________________

Posted by sivinkit at 11:50 PM | Comments (1)

Holy Saturday

Thanks Maggi Dawn for the following ... Some how I needed to hear this.

"Today is the day after; the day we remember the dark, unfathomable depth of despair the disciples must have faced at the unbelievable loss of not only their friend and mentor, but the person who embodied all their hopes of spiritual and political redemption. How had this happened? They hadn't seen it coming, although now they are beginning to remember little signs that maybe he HAD. Odd things he'd said now and then. Some of his strange sayings that hadn't made sense at the time. Maybe he knew he was on the edge. But before now, he'd always managed to slip away, to evade the crowds, to diminish the publicity, to move on to the next town when things got awkward and edgy.

There have been several recent news events that ring, for me, with the truth of Holy Saturday. Like the Tsunami, the disciples' week in Jerusalem, was for many people a holiday of a lifetime that turned into a nightmare. How the disciples must have wished they'd just stayed home and had a picnic on Lake Galilee. And the loss of remarkable and inspiring spiritual leaders - such as Colin Gunton and Stan Grenz - when they suddenly leave early, leave the rest of us shocked and a bit paralysed, not quite knowing how to react, not knowing how their shoes will ever be filled.

Sometimes I think knowing the end of the story ruins us for entering into the sense of what Holy Saturday was all about. Holy Saturday, for the disciples, wasn't a brief pause to do a spot of shopping before the celebrations begin on Easter Sunday. It was a shell-shocked, dark chasm that opened up and swallowed them. It was the end of all their hopes and dreams; the loss of thier friend and leader, and with it the slipping away of their daily lives and routines. They were utterly, completely lost and shattered. This was the end of absolutely everything."

Random Thoughts on Holy Saturday

Watching a surge of energy in one of the long sleeping blogs brings a smile to my face. He writes well and I wish him well ... keep on blogging.

Mixed feelings tonight. Scattered thoughts too. Good Friday ended with some lingering phrases and pictures in my mind. A decent supper followed. This morning started pretty good with the family until an unexpected invasion of words (or to be more precise the affect of some words).

as Lent is coming to a close, a prayer I heard earlier made me wonder too ... whether it's merely beginning for some. Maybe I'm not ready to end it yet. Is Easter coming too fast?

Just got news someone I prayed for when she was young .. is moving to another church for new beginnings. Wow she even gets an official announcement and blessing ... that's pretty cool.

It's interesting the last year, I've had the chance of watching how friends transitioned from "fulltime" church related ministry into what is commonly called as a "secular" job. Personally, I'm supportive of whatever they do since I do not hold to the secular/sacred divide when it comes to our calling and vocation. There is a time for everything and we are surely more than our "jobs."

I'm wondering about the twists and turns of how our life evolves these days. It's hard to be static. We are always in some kind of change or transition. Never seems to end.

Even for relationships there's an ebb and flow, up and down, nearness and distance ... old and new .. coming and going .... It's not that one wants it to be this way. It's just that the way it is. Living with this reality is a challenge. Don't we all prefer something more within our control? Aren't we more comfortable when things are predictable?

There have been numerous moments of joy this past Lent even in the midst of plenty of soberness. Frankly, sometime I wish the experience of happiness can be longer before the next whack in the face comes. But then life is unpredictable?

Of course, one can choose the route of a heart that can't be touched by the discomforting. But then after too long that heart might be too calloused until it can't be moved by genuine need or inspiration.

The road less travelled is a lonely road. I'm still glad some are willing to tag along. Some are no where in sight. We are all preoccupied. There's so much which demands our attention. As humans, we can only focus on a limited and often only a handful of things. No messiah complex here. Though the temptation is real.

The word "Nut" was used to describe me in a funny and yet encouraging little article in our church newsletter. I'm reminded of a phrase I think is from Leonard Sweet - NUTS = "Never Underestimate The Spirit". This is one lesson I'm savoring the last 7 years - especially lately.

Suddenly, I feel like offering thanks for all those who allowed me to be "open" with them about my crazy musings ... I think I valued that space in the long run because I used it to learn lessons of "obedience" which was not to impress those who are watching but to deeply respond to the One who has called me ...

Before I came home I got a phone call. The voice over the phone was weaker than usual, lacked the punch and was obviously sad. Would one have to walk through a significant milestone alone? ... maybe ... and often we do. I felt sad too. A quiet prayer was offered. I thought I'll end this post preparing for Easter with a life-giving injection of joy ... The voice over the phone this time was full of energy and joy ... even thought one's faith journey is no doubt personal, but it's always great to have our loved one walk with us closely ... on seconds thoughts, our faith journey is never just personal, it's more than personal ... it's communal ... let's take it further , it's public ... a little bit more ... it's missional ...

Do we prefer life like the blue and brown boxes in the right picture above? maybe that's possible as mental models huh?

Mine (and I think most of us) would see our lives like the broken stones on the left, can that still be beautiful?

On Holy Saturday, we're left with some suspense. But my "mother theresa" friend keeps on reminding me tonight ... Easter is coming.

Close Encounters with Death

3 wakes this Lent is more than the usual for me ... first it was Zewt's Mom, then it was my friend Colin's Dad, tomorrow night will be for someone closer to the family cousin Sally.

There are stories to be told for each of them. And when cousin Jenny told me of the final words cousin Sally shared ... I was moved once again to "what really matters" here on earth and beyond.

I often say with a tinge of humor (and respectfully) that I "enjoy" (a better word is appreciate) going to memorial and funeral services. Not because I am a sadist, but I never leave them unmoved by the our mortality. I find myself humbled again and again ... this year's holy week begins with the news of a cousin who's still in her early 40s "returning to the Lord" after battling with illness. We aren't that close, and my memories of her are mostly when we spent more time during her younger days. The picture of her in my mind is the one whom I remember during those visits to her home especially during my teenage years.

The next thing I know, she's battling with cancer. The last I heard the final days were especially hard. But one thing I know, she was READY to be with Jesus liberated from the confines of her present suffering. There's little in me to want to seek for explanations. More and more ... too many words are not helpful. Silence is appropriate. Prayer is a must. And valuing the presence of one another and God are crucial for times like this.

I was asked to lead in some songs for tomorrow evening's memorial service. I will bring the guitar and prayerfully create the "space" where ALL of us can pause to remember cousin Sally's life, re-look at our own, and respond to whatever God's Spirit is saying to us.

All the "encounters" with Death and the reality of how fragile human life is the past weeks makes a lot of what I read and hear people talking about ... very meaningless and immature. This is the way I feel. In the face of death, there's a lot we think is important whether it's our preferences or opinions are simply "rubbish" and a total waste of our time and energy. So, often we live everyday complaining about so much that isn't worth the effort to even do so. One wonders, how vain and empty can we reduce ourselves to be ....?

Where is the true humility to REALLY face oneself and confront our inner demons (or egoistic self to put it more mildly)? We pride ourselves for being liberal or open minded when in actual fact we need a good kick in the butt. Facing Death does that to us sometimes, if it doesn't then there's a need for more than therapy .. a good dose of soul searching is the path we need to take.

Parker Palmer's insight on the "empty self" has been bugging me the last one week ... especially when he talks about how our selfish acts is our way of covering up or fill up "stuff" into a self which has nothing there. Many talk about self-discovery, and being "themselves" ... but tragically a lot of it lands up in "emptiness". Death forces us to face the nakedness of our futile attempts to cover up ourselves with "rubbish" decorated with superficial gibberish and sprayed with even "religious" or spiritual sounding perfume .... but at the end it still stinks ...

This post is becoming a little incoherent. Mixed feelings and thoughts are clouding up my mental space. But in short ... I'm getting sick and tired of the "rubbish" that I'm hearing and reading which in the light of death and true living (the kind that makes a difference for ourselves and those around us) really is meaningless ...

What I've been thinking about more the past weeks are the relationships between children and their parents, the words exchanged when we are alive, the activities we do together with others, the amount of energy we spend in the "stuff" we are interested in, loved ones caring for those who have been ill, prayers and heart cries offered, hospital visitations, secret tears, silent frustrations, walks in the park appreciating butterflies, the little acts of kindness we offer to another which impact could last more than a generation, genuine questions about God, honest assessments of ourselves, words which won't make any blog post (some will) but will probably be hidden scribbled in a private journal, the last words of a loved one before they go.... add to the list.

We don't have to have a "personal close encounter with" death .. as in our own a near death experience before we change the way we think, and the stuff we value and the kind of life we should be living. There will always be opportunites for us to face the reality and the hard questions which "death" will pose us ... And as one who believes I cannot ignore the "God factor" in these musings thus far ... I want to be open to how Christ is shaping me even now. I want to "cut the fat" on the unhealthy way I have been choosing to live and speak, think and feel ... I'm no sinless saint, I'm well aware of that (ask my wife, and kids, and those who have a special gift to point out my sins and mistakes) ... but I'm one those tasted and am tasting grace which blows my mind and broadens my horizons on what being human (as well as a Christian) is all about.

Holy week is when Christ walks to the cross ... on Good Friday. As his follower, I need to face my cross too ... maybe I prefer to jump straight to Easter Sunday, skip the betrayals, and pain and suffering, and abandonment, .... but that's not the way of Jesus. His way is through Death ... nothing more, nothing less ...

Random Links 142

catalyst monthly podcast
There are some speakers who I know will have "stuff" to catalyze me forward.

Podcasts from The Center for Excellence in Preaching
When I saw Mp3s for Lewis Smedes, Barbara Brown Taylor, Thomas G. Long, and especially Paul Scot Wilson ... the rest is less hard disk space for me after the downloads:-)

A Letter To My Brothers And Sisters
I don't see myself as a "hellfire and brimstone evangelist" .... so I read Bart Campolo's letter with interest ... "I am not a hellfire and brimstone evangelist, of course, nor do I try to win people to faith because I fear they may miss the quite literal deadline for salvation about which so many Christians are certain. Rather, I plead with people to follow Jesus because I care about them, and following Jesus is the truest, most wonderful life I know. I try to inspire people towards discipleship because I believe that the sooner we all obey the teachings of Jesus, the sooner our hungry will be fed, and our naked clothed, and our homeless sheltered, and our lost found. The question for me is not if God’s will will be done on earth as it is in heaven, but how soon. So then, it could fairly be said that my Kingdom work flows from a kind of compassionate impatience. I am an evangelist because I quite literally can’t wait for the redemption of every soul and all of Creation."

practical thoughts on how to articulate the Gospel meaningfully in our world (HT: Mark VanS)
Here's two for a start ...
"1. Avoid beginning with the story of the Fall; begin with humans as Eikons in Genesis 1 before we get to the “cracked Eikons” of Genesis 3.

2. Avoid skipping from Genesis 3 to Romans 3: the story of covenant, Israel, and Law are inherent to the story of God."

Gandhi and Mission
"Live more like Jesus, do not tone down your faith, make love central, look for the good in other faiths so that you might be more sympathetic." More in Johnny Baker's Post Gandhi

Seminars About Long Term Thinking
I'm listening to Brian Eno now ... how can one's "imagining on a different kind of music" relate to what I'm thinking about?

Blessed Palm Sunday

I wish all those who will be affirming their faith in Bangsar Lutheran Church during our worship gathering at 10am later ... a blessed re-start (of jumpstart) in their faith journey in Christ and with the Church sent back into the world. :-)

May we reflect the nature of our citizenship in the "kingdom" of a different kind of King ...

"For the Christians are distinguished from other people neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. For they neither inhabit cities of their own, nor employ a peculiar form of speech, nor lead a life which is marked out by any singularity. The course of conduct which they follow has not been devised by any speculation or deliberation of inquisitive people; nor do they, like some, proclaim themselves the advocates of any merely human doctrines. But, inhabiting Greek as well as barbarian cities, according as the lot of each of them has determined, and following the customs of the natives in respect to clothing, food, and the rest of their ordinary conduct, they display to us their wonderful and confessedly striking method of life. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners [or resident aliens]. As citizens, they share in all things with others, and yet endure all things as if foreigners. Every foreign land is to them as their native country, and every land of their birth as a land of strangers. They marry, as do all [others]; they beget children; but they do not destroy their offspring. They have a common table, but not a common bed. They are in the flesh, but they do not live after the flesh. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives. They love all people, and are persecuted by all. They are unknown and condemned; they are put to death, and restored to life. They are poor, yet make many rich; they are in lack of all things, and yet abound in all; they are dishonored, and yet in their very dishonor are glorified. They are evil spoken of, and yet are justified; they are reviled, and bless; they are insulted, and repay the insult with honor; they do good, yet are punished as evil-doers. When punished, they rejoice as if quickened into life; they are assailed by the Jews as foreigners, and are persecuted by the Greeks; yet those who hate them are unable to assign any reason for their hatred." - the Epistle to Diognetus (c. 130 AD) (HT: "He's Subverting Our Nation!", Journey with Jesus)