Sivin Kit’s Garden

I’m living one day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One second at a time.

I miss swimming.  Maybe I might have a chance to do that tomorrow.  We’ll see.

May Chin and I had an interesting conversation during dinner.  In short, we pay tribute to those more senior and mature Christians who have gone before us and still have so much to contribute.  One thing for sure especially for younger folks like us who easily dish out ideas and opinions, some grandiose while others dreamy.  At the end of the day, the older folks get the job done and actually produce something for us to take it further then mere words.

Humbling.

Most of us are unable to distinguish the process of creative construction verses critical engagement in our thinking and planning together.  It takes a lot of discipline to allow the creative juices to kick in, and then an honest openness to be critical in a healthy way.  Ways that move the agenda forward rather than being stuck, or retreat.  That requires a lot of energy.

But once a glimpse of it happens … it’s rewarding and we feel a sense of accomplishment.

The road ahead is a little scary.  And I foresee a lot of energy spent necessarily, the cost will not only be great in terms of finances, but attention especially to detail.  It’s better when we’re working in a team for these matters then we help each other out. Focus on where we are strong at and then support where we are weaker.

Dreaming is fun … deciding is harder … and details tend to be tedious.   But all of these practices are part of the bigger picture.   All play a part.

Tomorrow will be another full day.  Tried to get some rest today so I could go full swing tomorrow.  Physically it’s demanding, especially when I’m not really fit as I should be.

I hear the pool calling me to swim.  And more …

And yet, now I also hear the stomach whispering …

for a bite!

I have always loved being at the Lutheran Mission Bungalow at Cameron Highlands.  To Elysia that is "Cameron Highlands" .. every where else isn’t even thought geographically it’s accurate :-)  In some ways, I tend to agree with our no.2.  She has insights that I don’t have.

Three days Two nights is a little too short for a retreat.  The travel itself takes a minimum of 3 hours from Kuala Lumpur. So that’s half a days worth of travel.  But for me, I think it’s more like, I just got warmed up and then I have to leave for KL.

Maybe because this is not a FULL do nothing - eat, sleep, read, solitude, etc - retreat.  We had 2 council meetings, and one Orang Asli village visit.  We didn’t plan a packed program but personal space was lacking compared to a "specialized solitude" retreat.

Of course, our purpose for this trip was not for "solitude" so I don’t have anything to complain about.  As far as fun and relaxation, we had our share.  And for the council we managed to cover our agenda.  A special for me was we had holy communion with our sister companion Orang Asli congregation in Batu 20th, and a good intro to the new lead pastor for the whole area Rev. Choo and his wife.

This trip was hard because the kids weren’t in 100% tip top shape health wise.  So, it was kind of hard on May Chin, especially when I was in the meetings. But overall, the children loved their time there.  Especially no. 1 Gareth and no.2 Elysia who could play freely with their friends.  Run all they want, go on the swings and see-saw, pick flowers, etc.

Food as usual is excellent … I mean Fantastic … Awesome … and whatever superlatives I can dish out …. but I will leave it for your imagination.  Words cannot fully describe the experience.  I’ll throw some pictures … but it’s still not the real thing. Here’s the lunch sample …

I found it interesting that both Gareth and Elysia prefers to eat at the Mission Bungalow.  I think it’s not just the food but the environment and even the "service."

I’ve always liked eating there too.  I remember a conversation yesterday, where we said that even when we are full we still continue to eat because the food is so tasty!

Just writing about this makes me hungry right now.

I didn’t manage to read much this trip.  Laughed quite a bit.  Had the usual snacks.  Slept well in general.  Thoroughly enjoyed the newly improved water pressure for the hot showers. A little sad that some part of the land area has been reclaimed by the original owners for that part.  That is no one’s fault.  But there was a sense of loss. Sigh … the realities of life even for a place of rest and refreshment!

So even with all the good stuff we experienced the last few days overall, somehow I’m always brought down to earth by one or two imperfect realities.  It doesn’t take away the joy from the Highs…. but it does keep my celebrations in moderation

There’s more to share, but I’ll leave it for another day … after a long drive, a little nap while helping the kids sleep, I’m slowly getting back into rhythm. All this while having a good instant message chat which reminds me to reduce my work!

Doing History had been very enriching the past 3 weeks, but it’s Making History and seeing ourselves part of that process which is more exciting.  Connecting the  two dots - the doing and the making of history - and seeing the relation between them helps us to be anchored in daily realities and future possibilities.

I need to re-tweak my "analog" process … after listening to Garr Reynolds excellent presentation on "presentation", it was great to revisit some of the most basic ideas of story and the non-digital aspects of the way one prepares and presents. I no longer see powerpoint slides in the same way after reading his website Presentation Zen. Overall, I like his "zen"-like humble way of sharing his ideas

Funny how after our more "spiritual" pastors prayer meeting yesterday, the final topic of conversation over lunch was "Malaysian Politics" … I was extra tickled when one of the pastors told me he is more glued to local developments then what’s happening in the world for a change.  This is interesting because my impression of the general public is we tend towards being more aware of what’s happening outside Malaysia, but nothing has been the same after March 8th.

Nice to slow down my breathing a little.  Short breaths is a sign of hurrying.

My mind has been thinking lately of how the church and even pastors are often "used" by even well meaning people.  Especially when a lot of us tend to operate with a "transaction" mindset. The church has "goods" to offer, or pastors are supposed to offer some services, and once that transaction has taken place …well, we can all fill in the blanks.   It’s easy to critique and complain about the church and church leaders nowadays, and I have done my share as well (Lord have mercy!).  But who holds the complainers and critics accountable? What is the alternatives? What are constructive steps after "deconstruction" (note: NOT destruction)?  If we genuinely want to move to new phases or even a new era, why are we stuck in the same old mindset and the old era?

It’s funny how there are those who attempt at some sort of cultural analysis with the view of being more effective in their work or way of life, and so easily miss very human points the moment we tend towards absolutist positions prematurely. However, I applaud the pursuit of knowledge and truths which reflect what is really happening.  Living in an illusion might be nice for a while but in the long run just plain lying to ourselves. After all this socio-cultural-political babble fades, we still ask the "so what?" and "what’s next?" questions.

I think my coffee is finishing and Elysia will sound me very soon … "Papa! it’s time to go to school!"

"Truth" and "Reconciliation" … these are two words hovering in my consciousness lately. I’m part of a movement which needs to play her part in "reconciliation" especially of opposing forces and even people hating each other.  But again and again, reconciliation is cheap if we are denying the truth … and still live with myths, falsehood and lies! Do we have the courage to face the truth about what’s happening before our eyes?  or what is happening inside our most secret chambers where no one is looking?

Talk is REALLY cheap these days.  Intellectual masturbation seems to be the rage in some quarters.  And in the age of the internet, it’s all over the place for all to see. But the problem is not it’s the public display of it. But when we don’t wrestle with the struggle towards truth and the hard work of reconciliation which surely demands more than just talking and listening (which let’s be fair is an important start), and pursue further a rigorous self-critical or more mutually discerning process, acknowledging the mess is simply not enough.  It’s not a place we want to stay in. Everyone has an opinion, but not everyone has a plan, and few really get our hands dirty and do something about it.

Time to have the last sip of my coffee … the day will fully begin!

Funny because after looking at this picture where I am trying to initiate Baby Ewan to the wonders of potato chips … my mouth is itching again.

The body is no longer able to push itself as it used to… and I sincerely believe in a more integrated holistic view of the human person.  When the body’s energy level is low, everything thing else needs a recharge.  How much can one push themselves?

Glad a good friend called to clarify a potential misunderstanding … the fact is still the same, while I may not agree it doesn’t mean I am upset.  There’s a difference. Anyway, nice to get a call though.  This simple gesture is the best way in dealing with questions in our minds.

Oratio, meditatio, Tentatio - it’s interesting how I’m revisiting these simple and yet profound words reordered by Luther after so many years.  I recall looking for a quote for my graduation entry for the graduation magazine for the final year in seminary.  And it many ways … prayer, meditation, struggle (or spiritual attack) has been the way I have been led in life and ministry. Still not over yet.

I love Hokkien mee hoon mee! I had it last Tuesday, and tonight as well … yummy.  Health wise …? Questionable …

Over-crammed the Church History class today … perhaps some breathing space would have been better. And yet it’s great to hang out with friends like Irenaeus of Lyon  a little more. I feel drawn to have more time with him one of these days.

The beauty of learning and the art of life long learning is the joy of revisiting the same subject, theme or person again and again and deepen one’s appreciation of their context, and the content of their life and teaching.

So far, I’m been having lots of conversations with Luther the past 8 years.  Spener has always been an ongoing companion since I stumbled upon early German Pietism. Bonhoeffer ranks high for me when it comes to 20th century theologians.  And of course, it’s nice to work backwards through this church history course.  The Desert Fathers have always connected me to the best of the monastic tradition, and Irenaeus did it for me today …

Of course, I do have some favorites when it comes to mission theology and Leslie Newbigin is top on my list. Some Latin Americans have breathed quite a bit of fresh air for me, with Leonardo Boff as a great usher into their approach there. I’m unsettled on Asian Theologians yet… much of this is still a major work in progress for me… I know who have been influential to get me going … but it’s a long road not into the past for me but more of pressing on to the future.

Strange set of random thoughts tonight … no more energy to write more …:-P

I thought the Dumpling noodle would be a fitting supper meal.  But then to my surprise it was mediocre. But thanks to the friendly uncle who gave me a treat The Ice Lemon tea was acceptable.

Questions are always good.  And tonight I had some questions from a more Christian small group context, and later an unexpected conversation over a small round table.

It was good because I found myself answering either directly or indirectly to nudge where the questions are leading further, or at times even trying to re-frame the questions, because the fact is our answers are already limited by the questions we ask.

It’s funny how leadership works … this is true whether it’s at the level of a secondary school society, the level of voluntary organizations, church organizations, political entities and so on ….

Very often, we are tempted to see it only about speaking up, or articulating our views, or even well thought out positions, when in actual fact we are confronted with the messy  hard work of relationship building, networking with others, compromise as well as persuasion, confrontation and also consensus.  It requires a clear head, a listening heart and a posture ready to do what is right, or at least what is necessary to get it right.

Egos always need to be in check.  But it’s hard especially when we are not used to deal with competing Egos … some bigger than ours, others smarter than us, or at least more sophisticated than we give them credit for.

The route towards some kind of breakthrough is first to pause and not rush into any rash action.  Because that will lead to quick doom.  And after a few hard knocks, I’ve learnt the art of restraint.  At the end of the day, if it’s not about making an impression, then we do not need to be seen as the victor too prematurely.  Time will always be on our side when we know how to pull back a little. 

Listening is a difficult art.  Because to listen one not only needs to pay attention on what the other person is saying, we also need to keep an ear of the voices ringing in our heads which is often influenced by the baggage of our past experiences good or bad, the people around us for better or for worse (whether selected advisors or self-appointed experts), and also the background noise of the context we are in.

It’s funny because often people assume leadership is first and foremost about leading or even influence, which are key components no doubt.  But before one can lead and influence, one needs to have a basic grasp of the current scenario, the players, and the history as well.  So, the rare art of learning how to pause and have restraint, and more so active listening is a big hurdle many emerging leaders or accidental leaders find it hard to jump over.  Because one is tempted too easily to crash forward with our own ideas.

Human are fascinating creatures.  Especially when they are forced to work with other creatures who are unlike them.  This is most clearly seen when more than three begin to operate in an organization.  For all the talk about informal verses formal ways or organizing oneself, and debates about structures or the lack of it.  The simple are of relating to another human being is in actual fact the most crucial and fundamental practice one needs to master … and it’s an ongoing task …

We won’t get it right all the time.  And we will hit against the wall often.  But what’s important is what happens when we get it wrong, or when we see bumps all over our heads.  Perhaps, we should keep on doing the same thing?

But, strange how stubborn we can be ….

On a brighter side, lots of draw from the above lessons for church … NGOs … voluntary societies … families. … anything that is more than 2 people.  Opps .. but then again, I have been learning many of these principles after multiple crashes as a young person in church, inexperienced leader, and also impulsive young man …

Good counselors make a big difference.  Wise friends are non-negotiable.  Friendly critics a great bonus.  But of course, we need to be willing to at least pause and listen.

The second art of discernment and deciding what to do next requires another post to explore.  For now,  I think I need some chips to compensate for a mediocre supper.  It walks works for me!

This is a precious time.

Everyone else is falling asleep quietly. Elysia just poked her head up next to me She will slip into her dreams soon (hopefully!)

The ambient music is vibrating … and I’m back with some random thoughts…

Nice to be refreshed by a decent shower, the temperature for the room is just right, I’m slowing down my breathing …

Read briefly on Canonical Theism earlier, looks like a proposal worth some energy especially as I foresee some extra discipline coming for at least 15 weeks while I’m teaching and facilitating the Church History Course in BLC.

Looking forward also to get back to my Master of Theology work which is long over due.

Funny that I got two emails today reminding me that I’m drawn to write more these days, from blurbs to essays, from research papers to whatever needs to be communicated.

Blogging is easier for me. Formal writing … now that takes more effort. But I do feel a sense of fulfillment upon any form of completion.

Human beings are such a strange lot. We shift and change so easily, we are so often undependable, and revolve so much of our lives on our own concerns, and opinions.

Anything, that’s about mercy, justice, and humility are bright little shinning lights that are exceptions, when it’s supposed to be the norm. But the world is not what is is supposed to be … the word “Sin” comes to mind.

But I wonder how many of us are trapped by merely a religious understanding of sin which tends to reduce it to religious observance, and then miss the real consequence of messing up our lives and the lives of others by our choices.

And it comes back to us anyway, whether we are the “sinners” or the ones “sinned against”.

The lead up to Good Friday focused the above themes a little bit more. Easter Sunday shone brightly the power and potential for transformation beyond my imagination.

The Election season was a special interruption for me, there’s still so much I have not managed to process through yet. I think it’s going to take more than the whole year. Some themes will reoccur in my lifetime.

For now, I’m still reflecting on the experience of “zero trust” which is so strange to the environment I am familiar with. The phrase “Politics is dirty” tends to write things off without stepping back to see what people are experiencing in the political process. One thing which struck me is the importance of “Trust”, and the lack of it which is so damaging for society in the long run. And dehumanizing for us as the players in this political theater if remained unchecked.

What is magnified in structures and institutions in the public draws me to think about the personal aspect again and again. We may be able to analyze from a distance, and talk our heads of in opinionated discourse. And the end of the day, what’s going on in public affects one’s personal life so deeply.

I still hear stories and comments which also tells me how for some there is brokenness which is hidden from the public perhaps in the long run will catch up on us. Especially if it’s unattended to. Maybe no one will ever know, no scandal for the papers to write on, no videos for any Youtube craze … but deep down we’re just less then we could have been no matter how many people look up to us.

But it is Easter Monday night … and I don’t want to just dwell on what’s hidden, and what’s broken, what’s sinful, what’s inadequate and what’s wrong.

New hope is here, new paths are possible, new life is available to inject in us a chance for an unknown which is bright, and even beautiful … still scary but not out of a sense of despair but out of a sense of anticipation for surprises, twists and turns of a life of faith, a journey of hope, and a pull of love … reflecting backwards no doubt, but moving forward … step by step.

Elysia is fast asleep now … dreaming maybe.I’m wide awake … centering.

This elections is critical not just for the next 4-5 years but the next 40-50 years.

While many of us might prefer to operate with a more independent streak as an ideal, i.e. we vote primarily for the candidate and not the party, or we want to focus on specific issues. But political realities in Malaysia forces one to reexamine that posture at least during this election.

Within that limit, we’ll have to see what the parties they represent stand for. Of course, manifestos and promises abound…. and there will always be an element of risk for our choices. Even without taking sides prematurely on any particular party … for the sake of the long term health of our governance in the nation and a more mature political process …. we CANNOT have a ruling government which is TOO powerful. And if the one who are in power are not in touch with the changes and struggles of the common people, especially the poor and marginalised, or even showing insecurity to engage with a more maturing informed middle-class - these are warning signals especially for fence sitters to bring some balance.

Sure the Opposition is not perfect, and there are many complaints on their choice of candidates or the perceived lack of cohesion. And it’s encouraging to see people rising up to keep them accountable for what they want to do.  But, I get the sense is that the energy for that exercise needs to be redirected even MORE towards those who have governed is the last 50 years.

A good development that has emerged from the civil society is as represented by The People’s Voice & The People’s Declaration. I find this effort empowering people like me who are not a member of any political party.  And this is one way forward from being torn always on both sides of the political poles in our country.

But it’s just a few more days, and I find theoretical and academic discussions while important, are less urgent.  With a greater awareness of the political realities present, I would agree with what was said yesterday at the Forum on General Elections: Dialogue with Dr. Farish Noor & Malik Imtiaz , we are indeed in a transitional period.  And when a closing statement ended with, "Help the Government, Vote Opposition", there was a rousing applause. It seems to me that was what they wanted to hear, or needed to hear depending on where you are in the spectrum of decision making.

A significant number of the Opposition parties have endorsed the The People’s Voice & The People’s Declaration.  So, there is a point of reference for the civil society which to me would include churches and religious organization who seek to be non-partisan to engage them with in the future. This would need an experimental period for us to see where this will take us.

And the picture accurately describes what change - even small change will involve … more time, more effort, more concern, more engagement from all parties so that a non-race based politics can emerge and blossom fully.  As a Christian, I fully endorse that direction. It’s more than saying whether we are giving the opposition parties a chance, it’s whether we want to give ourselves a chance to do something (even though we can’t do everything) in our lifetime.  That would make the BARISAN RAKYAT idea more meaningful when it realistically includes the common people, civil society initiatives and those in political parties.

Does that mean those in the Barisan National or linked with them are all crooks or totally unable to make a difference? Is the current governing system totally corrupted and beyond redemption? Did they not do anything good? Well, I spent sometime listening to conversations getting stuck over these questions by sincere people who both desire change.

What would interest me more is what exactly do people want to do to make the changes, or what have they done to move the climate of our beloved country forward? Debating ideals while maybe stimulating … but when we are put at the crossroads of decision … a pause is necessary, and a prayer would help, and being prepared to live with the consequences of our choices not just for ourselves, but also for others.

I realize my vote is not just for myself.  It’s also part of the bigger picture of realigning what for many of us is direction our country is heading off track back to what is most helpful and beneficial for ALL people in Malaysia. Some faces are emerging right now in my mind

… the Hindu Indian young man who repairs our photocopy machine,

… a new found Ustaz friend whom I met at a forum,

… the Kadazan military personnel whom I taught English years ago,

… a young man who has learning disabilities working in A & W,

… the Malay boys playing sepak takraw across the street,

… the politican whom I am disappointed with

… the little Sikh boy whom my daughter calls her friend

… The young Buddhist lady whom I met in Parliament

… the intellectual Malay academic who’s frustrated

…the senior citizen who’s mostly forgotten by us, but has stories to tell we need to hear.

…add to the list everyone you can think of, I know I have surely missed out on people. So this is a VOTE for ALL the People of Malaysia.

For years, I was like most people … indifferent and doing my own thing.  Last elections, there was some improvement I voted. But, as my eyes are more open, and ears listening to the ground, I realize that I cannot be drifting along … it’s been a long process and in many ways I feeling ashamed of how at times I have been "domesticated" by the media,  and falling into the temptation of a "corrupted" way of thinking which allows the living environment and relational-intellectual space to be hijacked by those strategically seeking their own gain, or those so called "blindly" sucked into the "system"  portraying themselves to be powerless (more like "gutless").

Reading about Tan Chee Khoon did me some good over the weekend. It also made me aware of the earlier struggles of Malaysians during his time. I never knew about Perkemas until last Saturday.

Pekemas (Parti Keadilan Masyarakat Malaysia, or Social Justice Party of Malaysia) was co-founded by Tan Sri David Tan Chee Khoon (1919-1996), the Opposition leader 1964-1978. He was co-founder of Gerakan, but later left to form Pekemas. Tan Chee Khoon and Onn Jaafar were 2 persons ahead of their time - they did not believe in race-based parties, rather multiracial (like Berjaya & PBS). Therefore when Gerakan cofounder Tun Dr Lim Chong Eu led it to join the race-based BN, Chee Khoon felt disillusioned.

When he was disillusioned, Tan Chee Khoon tried to form a new way forward in the form of a political party which never took off the way ideally some of us would have liked it to (I need to read up more about Onn Jaafar someday).  Political realities can often be very ruthless.

But whatever it is, I was encouraged to draw encouragement from one of our own in Malaysian history to "do something".  And this is seen in this story which moved me and I shared it with my church last Sunday from Tan Sri Dr Tan Chee Khoon - A Life of Service:

 

Tan Chee Khoon was no superhuman. When he was 13 years old, he was attempting to carve his name on a rubber tree, using a tapping knife. While trying to carve the straight limb of the letter D, he must have applied too much force and the next thing he knew was that the knife, which, of course, had a very sharp cutting edge, had been plunged into his left eye. Sadly, Chee Khoon lost the use of that eye from then on. At various junctures in his life, this handicap threatened to hamper his progress. When he first applied to the College of Medicine, his application was rejected because of that handicap. Were it not for the intervention of the Headmaster, Mr C.E. Gates, and his eye surgeon, he would probably not have been accepted.

Fortunately Chee Khoon did rise above that handicap, and the many other obstacles that he encountered on his life’s journey which ended on October 1996. Many Malaysians are the better for him. It may be the poor makcik on Batu Road whose son was cured from malaria and was given free treatment because the family could not afford it. It may be the recipient of the Tan Chin Ghee Scholarship who, as a result, could finally afford to study at university. But undoubtedly, Tan Chee Khoon has touched the hearts of many Malaysians. Perhaps this story from 1964 sums it up best.  At a customs checkpoint at the Singapore railway station, Chee Khoon paid a duty of $25 levied on his goods. As he was walking to the train, he noticed, to his horror, that the receipt noted ‘$3′. So he went back to the officer to point out the error, but the officer blandly insisted that he had only paid $3. ‘You watch out’, said Chee Khoon. Upon his return to Kuala Lumpur, Chee Khoon reported the incident to the Minister of Finance. Many years later, when Chee Khoon was eating at a restaurant, a man approached him, shook his hand and thanked him. ‘For what?’ asked Tan Chee Khoon. ‘I was the Customs Officer whom you reported in 1964′, said the man. ‘I was transferred in 24 hours. You put the fear of God into all of us’.

He has run the race, he has fought the good fight, he has kept the faith - Tan Sri Dato’ Dr Tan Chee Khoon was truly the Conscience of the Nation.

I’m not superhuman, and I think many of us who managed to read until this closing paragraph will dare not claim "superhuman-ness".  We are just learning to be human, and do what is right as a human being … before putting a healthy fear of God into people, we need a good dose of it ourselves.  That helpful  kind of "fear" (or reverence) can help us overcome the harmful kind of "fear" of uncertainty and insecurities which often paralyses us into inaction and indifference.

Saturday will be polling day … a Vote for ALL the people in Malaysia … and a side benefit a Vote to overcome our fears!

The last few weeks had been very FULL in terms of time, relationships, appointments, ups and downs, etc. This moment of silence is precious.

It’s always hard when any of the family member falls sick.  And especially when it’s the children.  Having kids has forced me to re-look at many areas of life.  Especially the point of view of a parent.  Having responsibilities for these young ones is no joke.

Do I miss single life?  in some ways … but I don’t think about it much.  My mind is preoccupied with 101 other concerns. The demands are great whether it’s a 5 year old, 3 year old or a 4 month old.

But one does get more sensitized our "truncated" our individualistic view of life can be.  No matter how much talk we can use about being generous, being open, being smarter, being …. whatever.  At the end, we land up with those whom are like us … or like us.  It’s hard since many of us especially from Malaysia for example might have lived more for the expectation of others.  But the pendulum swing of breaking free leaves behind many casualties…. very often it’s the one’s who love and care for us.  The fact is if we are honest, we don’t really care for people … or perhaps we don’t really care.  Something is wrong somewhere.

The older folk are so sacrificial at times to the point of much self-denial. They only want the best for their kids.  At least, they want to do their best.  As young people, we try to appreciate, or lessen the their burdens … but they often insist because this is the way they operate. While I think it’s so easy to overdo it even to the detriment of one’s health, and some balance is needed here.  But, the glory of youth often overshadows our minds compared to the sacrificial nature of the generation before us.

I’m talking more on looking into what’s personal to us here. 

When the inner life is bankrupt, we can try to fill it with "Stuff"  … but it’s still empty.  It’s scary when we are exposed.

The art of being human in the way of Jesus is not popular today… even to those who may have had access to it.  Part of the blame is put on a poor representation of all that Christ offers, but I think even after that … a good self check might help in removing the barriers which block our growth in matters of faith.  For that to happen, a healthy acceptance of our humanity is a good start, but without ignoring the reality of our sinfulness.  And then, room needs to be made for change. Change can be painful especially when we need to face our own nakedness.

Oh yes. … all these are merely random thoughts… which I haven’t done for some time.

And yet, there might still be a genuine quest to search for that which is real, true and beautiful.  Maybe it might sound dumb and unsophisticated.  But the yearning is what keeps us going.

Abandoning some long held beliefs are part of the process, but that’s different from throwing the idea of trust all together.  Without trust, or some belief … how do humans relate?  Cutting of the most basic relation with our creator somehow is a step away from realizing out full humanity.

Rambling a little ….

Stomach still too Full.

The dinner or more like mini farewell dinner was good.

Glimpses of God’s grace gives me some hope. Shines a little in the darkness and greys.

Eyes open a little more ….

Nothing much to say.

It’s amazing how hidden the best food one can get from the public eye.  When we passed by the Hotel Merlin in Port Dickson, we didn’t expect much.  In fact, we giggled past it.  But then lo and behold, we had dinner at the family owned restaurant …. and it was awesome … in fact it was at least to me heavenly!

What was even more interesting is the story behind this little known establishment, where once upon a time during it’s glory days it was THE place for dinners in Port Dickson.  Now, it’s overshadowed by the newly built hotels and resorts.  But for us tonight, it was a highlight.

It was also good to connect deeper with a wonderful family hosting us here.

Oh yes …. it’s nice to have a wi-fi connection in the room because we’re quite near to the hotspot!

I’ve been enjoying tons of articles through ATLASerials (ATLAS) Online Collection of Major Religion and Theology Journals.  It’s a great resource. Exactly what I need for an extra kick on my studies!

A surprise email from the man who is supposed to be my supervisor is a great help too … he’s back from his sabbatical.  I need to start extra work!

Back to food and the restaurant again, it made me think of the church … or churches in general.  While it’s popular to talk about the "McChurch" models of church today, and often the decline of older churches, I was drawn to think how even churches who aren’t so glorious or have gone past their glory days are still quality places where people can encounter authentic stuff of God, faith and growth! These are still places of art and heart which can still touch those of us who are seeking. Of course, it depends on what people are looking for isn’t it? Glamour? Impressiveness? Coolness? Whatever?

So much is focused these days on how the church should be and what is expected of her. And yet, how much is said about the people and our expectations of church and how it reflects on us?  Perhaps, our complaints tell us more about ourselves than the church? A good look at the mirror is surely needed for the church who is often ignoring self-examination.  But I think each of us need a good look at the mirror ourselves.

Oh … I thought I was talking about food.

Nice to see everyone else fast asleep now.  The silence is beautiful … and the little snoring is music.

We have to wake up early tomorrow. And I missed one most important task for today.  Will try again tomorrow. 

But I think I can still squeeze a secondary important task before I sleep and catch up with some needed reading and thinking.

How do we see the world which we live in today? The changes scare many of us tremendously.  We are worried we can’t cope. Parents know the onslaught of outside influence can never be denied.  But many will try to delay the tsunami of unwanted influence if possible.  I can understand the concern.  And it’s a genuine one. 

Perhaps, it’s time for us to sit down and have an honest open conversation between young and old.  The maturing and more mature, the innocent and the wiser ones on matters which concern us.  While putting needed boundaries is part of the package but we need to get to the heart of what are we desiring, and what we fear … and how we can negotiate some responses which is more helpful than harmful.

For too long, we have either gone with the flow or against the flow.  Time to seriously work on our swimming technique in the sea of conflicting ideas.

Oh … now, I’m still savoring the enjoyment of the dinner we had. My stomach is still full … and the aftertaste is wonderful even in my recollection of the ambience and the good conversations we had.

it’s never just about food …. it’s about friends and family whom we eat together.

Better go and wash it all down again with a good cup of warm water.

And start reading again.

It’s going to be sometime before I can catch the sun rise. It’s the middle of the night now.

Looks like there will be a detail in the Christian Perspectives on Politics in Malaysia series. I will try to wrap it up tomorrow.

I managed to estimate the time for this morning’s activities at the bookstores with May Chin’s Brother in law Philip, but from then on adjustments were needed. But then again, that’s becoming a constant nowadays … the constant need for adjustments.

Just realized I will be starting my “good byes” earlier then expected. This year will be a year of good byes (at least for a while) for quite a substantial number of people. No one can fully prepare for the changes ahead of us. Some are expected, others a little more of a surprise.

Like it or not, it never gets easier. All of us move on at some stage … to make room for growth in one way or another.

Gareth and I are talking about our highs and lows daily … and I think it’s been a good practice which I’ve been persevering on. At first, Gareth didn’t have much to say or he said, “I can’t remember.” But remembering requires some effort doesn’t it? So, after awhile he’s learning how to recall what affects him and what he feels.

I was moved when he mentioned his low today was when his cousin Josh cut and hurt his foot at the swimming pool this afternoon. And later we prayed for Josh. And his high was trying out his Chinese New Year outfit for school tomorrow. We’re slowly reaping the benefits of this simple practice of Examen made simple. This made my evening special.

There are other thoughts…. but then maybe ending it with this little episode with Gareth is good for now Hope to jumpstart myself back into action tomorrow morning with a cup of coffee…